1. I can read minds, but I'm still illiterate
2. Build a man a fire he's warm for a day, set a man on fire and he's warm the rest of his life.
3. Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" Reply "What do you need?"
4. Do you know what really makes me smile? My facial muscles.
5. I am proud of myself. I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
6. I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine."
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